Pinterest

Midnight Laughs: 99+ Steven Wright Jokes

steven wright jokes

Silence hits different when the joke sneaks up on you and taps you on the shoulder. That slow, dry, wait… what just happened kind of humor? Yeah, that’s the vibe. If you love clever one-liners that make you think for a second and then laugh way harder than expected, you’re in the right place. These Steven Wright jokes are crafted with that deadpan, brain-twisting energy Gen Z and millennials secretly love sharing at 2 a.m.

Table of Contents

Best Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I bought some instant water but I don’t know what to add

  2. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went then it dawned on me

  3. I used to work at a fire hydrant factory but you couldn’t park anywhere near it

  4. I put my contact lenses in backward and now I can see into the past

  5. I installed a skylight in my apartment and now the people upstairs are furious

  6. I have a map of the United States it’s actual size

  7. I spilled spot remover on my dog now he’s gone

  8. I tried to catch fog yesterday I mist

  9. I own a bakery that only sells birthday cakes for people born on leap year business is slow

  10. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights now it looks like I’m the only one moving

  11. I bought a boomerang that wouldn’t come back so I threw away all my other sticks

  12. I named my dog Stay now I can say come here Stay and watch chaos happen

  13. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough

  14. I poured root beer into a square glass now I just have beer

  15. I opened a restaurant on the moon great food no atmosphere

  16. I took a course in speed reading now I can read War and Peace in 20 minutes it’s about Russia

  17. Laugh together and sparkle with cleanliness jokes

Cute Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I bought a mood ring and now I know how my finger feels

  2. I have a diary that writes about me

  3. I put my phone on airplane mode but it’s still on the ground

  4. I bought a pen that writes underwater and other words too

  5. I made a belt out of watches it was a waist of time

  6. I tried to be normal once worst two minutes of my life

  7. I planted fake flowers and forgot to water them

  8. I bought invisible ink now I can’t find it

  9. I have a dog that brings me the newspaper but only the sad stories

  10. I turned my car into a convertible now it won’t start in the rain

  11. I got locked out of my house and my dog refused to let me in

  12. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia she whispered they’re right behind you

  13. I bought a map of the world and folded it into a globe

  14. I made a pencil with two erasers it was pointless

  15. I took a picture of my shadow now it follows me digitally

  16. I bought some batteries but they weren’t included

Funny Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I changed my password to incorrect so when I forget it says your password is incorrect

  2. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time

  3. I have a friend who writes music about sewing he’s a real tailor Swift

  4. I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific

  5. I bought a GPS but it just tells me I’m lost in life

  6. I tried to diet but it followed me home

  7. I opened a bank account for my dog now he’s investing in bonds

  8. I bought a ceiling fan it just applauds quietly

  9. I got a reversible jacket I can’t tell if I’m coming or going

  10. I went to an emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers

  11. I bought a dictionary but it didn’t define itself

  12. I took a class on procrastination I’ll tell you how it went later

  13. I used to be indecisive now I’m not sure

  14. I bought some camouflage pants but I can’t find them

  15. I have a microwave fireplace it warms your heart in seconds

  16. I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament but good players are hard to find

Dirty Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I bought a king size bed so I could dream bigger

  2. I installed dim lights in my house now everything feels suspicious

  3. I tried to spice up my life so I alphabetized my spices

  4. I bought satin sheets now gravity feels optional

  5. I turned my bedroom into a smart room it refuses bad decisions

  6. I tried candlelight dinner but the smoke alarm felt left out

  7. I bought a mirror for the ceiling now I can watch myself sleep

  8. I upgraded to silk pajamas now even my dreams slide

  9. I bought a lava lamp for romance it just sits there judging

  10. I tried whispering sweet nothings but they turned into actual nothing

  11. I bought a lock for my diary it still tells my secrets

  12. I dimmed the lights and my electricity bill winked

  13. I bought cologne called mystery now even I don’t know what’s happening

  14. I tried slow dancing alone stepped on my own feelings

  15. I bought a fan for the bedroom now the drama circulates

  16. I installed mood lighting it only has one mood confused

Flirty Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I tried to flirt with a calendar but it already had dates

  2. I sent my crush a math joke now we’re divided

  3. I waved at a mirror and it waved back I think it likes me

  4. I asked my shadow out it said it needs space

  5. I tried to impress you with silence it spoke volumes

  6. I told my heart to chill it skipped anyway

  7. I wrote you a love letter in pencil just in case

  8. I smiled at you and gravity got stronger

  9. I tried to act cool but my thermostat disagreed

  10. I brought you flowers but they asked for sunlight

  11. I tried to play it smooth but I don’t own a jazz band

  12. I looked into your eyes and forgot my WiFi password

  13. I sent you a wink it’s still buffering

  14. I told my brain to stop thinking about you it scheduled overtime

  15. I offered you my hoodie but it got attached

  16. I tried to be mysterious but I left clues everywhere

  17. Share a smile and spark love with writer jokes

Random Steven Wright Jokes

  1. I bought a clock that runs backwards now I’m early for yesterday

  2. I tried to make a joke about time but it passed

  3. I bought a cloud it rains on my parade

  4. I made a sandwich for later now it’s avoiding me

  5. I adopted a cactus it hugs back emotionally

  6. I bought noise canceling headphones now I can hear my thoughts louder

  7. I tried to think outside the box but I live in a studio apartment

  8. I painted my computer black now it works in dark mode

  9. I bought a treadmill for my thoughts they still wander

  10. I tried to freeze time but it melted

  11. I got a smart fridge it judges my midnight snacks

  12. I made a paper airplane it filed a complaint

  13. I bought a ladder for success it’s out of reach

  14. I tried to unplug from reality it reconnected automatically

  15. I bought a mirror with WiFi it reflects updates

  16. I taught my goldfish to breathe air it’s still processing

Steven Wright Jokes for Her

  1. I bought you flowers but they asked how they compete

  2. I tried to write you poetry but the pen got nervous

  3. I looked at you and my playlist switched to love songs

  4. I bought you chocolate but it melted out of jealousy

  5. I told my calendar about you it cleared the schedule

  6. I smiled at you and my dentist got concerned

  7. I bought you a star but the sky filed a report

  8. I tried to impress you but gravity handled it

  9. I wrote your name in sand the ocean subscribed

  10. I told my heart about you it applied for overtime

  11. I brought you coffee but you already woke me up

  12. I bought you a mirror it thanked me

  13. I tried to be calm around you my pulse disagreed

  14. I looked at you and forgot my own punchline

  15. I bought you a candle it said you outshine me

  16. I tried to play it cool but my hoodie got attached

  17. I sent you a joke it fell for you first

Steven Wright Jokes for Him

  1. I tried to challenge you to a staring contest but I blinked at your confidence

  2. I bought you cologne but your vibe already filled the room

  3. I looked at you and my WiFi connected automatically

  4. I tried to roast you but you’re already too hot

  5. I brought you snacks but you’re the whole meal

  6. I tried to ignore you my brain filed a protest

  7. I bought you a map but you already found my heart

  8. I told my friends about you they asked for autographs

  9. I smiled at you and my day clocked out early

  10. I bought you a hoodie it refused to leave you

  11. I tried to win the argument but your grin distracted me

  12. I looked at you and my playlist skipped to favorite

  13. I brought you coffee but you’re my energy

  14. I tried to stay mysterious but you solved me

  15. I bought you sunglasses but you’re already shining

  16. I told my heart to relax it said not around him

New Post

Related Posts
Guffawle Webiste Logo

Quick Links

Explore

Contact

team.aiintely@gmail.com

Pinterest

© 2026 Guffawle. All rights reserved

Guffawle

Instagram
Guffawle Webiste Logo